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AFP FINDS GOD IN BUSHNELL, FLAmerican Family Publishers, the bygone sweepstakes home of Dick Clark and Ed McMahon, tried to make God one rich deity. In a mailing that found its way to the Bushnell Assembly of God, AFP announced, "God, we've been searching for you." It urged God to come forward, for if God were to win, "What an incredible fortune there would be for God! Could you imagine the looks you'd get from your neighbors? But don't just sit there, God."
Bill Brack, pastor of the Bushnell Assembly of God, and his congregation are considering whether to enter the contest in God's name. Says Brack on reading God's mail, "I always thought he lived here but I didn't actually know. Now I do. He's got a P.O. Box here."
Reported by Associated Press, 2/28/97. Related by Newsweek's Stewart Eisberg at the Fulfillment Management Association's Pormotion Blundres luncheon on April 16, 1997. (April 2002)
THE MASTER'S VERSEAd legend David Ogilvy treats his fans to three classic anonymous ditties in Ogilvy on Advertising:
Advertising's hallowed origins... The codfish lays ten thousand eggs, The homely hen lays one. The codfish never cackles To tell you what she's done - And so we scorn the codfish While the humble hen we prize. It only goes to show you That it pays to advertise!
Advice to illustrators... When the client moans and sighs, Make his logo twice the size. If he still should prove refractory Show a picture of his factory. Only in gravest cases Should you show the clients' faces.
"Copy should be written in the language people use in everyday conversation..." Carnation Milk is the best in the land, Here I sit with a can in my hand. No tits to pull, no hay to pitch, Just punch a hole in the son-of-a-bitch.
David Ogilvy, Ogilvy on Advertising (Vintage Books, 1985) (April 2002)
11 CHERISHED AD BLOOPERSFrom Richard Lederer's treasury of bloopers, Anguished English:
NEWBURY STREET COIFFURE AFFORDABLE - An Alternative to Looking Good
Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.
Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too!
We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.
Stock up and save. Limit: one.
Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.
Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!
Christmas tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.
Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.
Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.
And now, the Superstore - unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.
Richard Lederer, Anguished English )) Dell Publishing, 1987 (April 2002)
WARNING! LABELSWarning labels from some of your favorite consumer products:
On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
On Nytol sleep aid: Warning: may cause drowsiness.
On a Korean kitchen knife: Warning: keep out of children.
On a food processor: Not to be used for the other use.
Selected from Web page "Strange Product Warning Labels" (Formerly on the web at http://toon.org/~boots/warnings.html) (April 2002)
WARNING! LABELS! IIA fresh crop compiled by the Michigan Lawsuit Abuse Watch:
On a pair of shin guards for bicyclists: "Shin pads cannot protect any part of the body they do not cover."
On a jet ski: "Warning! Riders of personal watercraft may suffer injury due to the forceful injection of water into body cavities either by falling into the water or while mounting the craft."
On an electric wood router made for carpenters: "This product not intended for use as a dental drill."
"'Don't Drink Toilet Water' Warning Wins Award in Fourth Annual Contest of Nation's Wackiest Labels," Michigan Lawsuit Abuse Watch, 1/17/01 (April 2002)
THE L.A. COUNTY CORONER'S OFFICE GIFT SHOPIt's so nice to see the government finding innovative ways to raise money. Affectionately known as Skeletons in the Closet, the gift shop of the L. A. County Coroner's Office started when friends and relatives began coveting the employee T-shirts. The gift shop now offers over 70 items on the Web and through their catalog. Products include:
The Black Mariah bank
Coroner toe tag key chain
Tank tops
Boxer shorts ("Undertaker" printed on left leg)
Body shaped post-its
Regrettably, the Junior Coroner Kids Tee has been discontinued.
The link to lacoroner.com comes to us from PAW! - The Pit of Advertising Wonders, hosted in days of yore by the Kranzler Kingsley agency at http://www.kkcltd.com/ (April 2002)
PIMP JUICEFrom the Fillmore Street Brewery, a "new and improved energy drink for today's active and health conscious consumer." Pimp Juice is endorsed by rap star Nelly, who has a song by the same name on his recent album, Nellyville ("Pimp juice - oooooooooh-ooooooooh-hoooooooo / I think I need to let it loose (might think I need to let it loose").
(January 2004)
GHETTOPOLY"Buying stolen properties, pimpin hoes, building crack houses and projects, paying protection fees and getting car jacked are some of the elements of the game. Not dope enough?...If you don't have the money that you owe to the loan shark you might just land yourself in da Emergency Room." Up to 7 playas may join in, represented by their choice of a Pimp, Hoe, 40 oz, Machine Gun, Marijuana Leaf, Basket Ball or Rock of Crack. Urban Outfitters stocked Ghettopoly in September, and swiftly withdrew it when protests poured in. Ghettopoly likes lawbreakers, except when they're pirates. "It has recently come to our attention that there are certain sites and/or stores selling unauthorized and potentially bootleg copies of Ghettopoly. If you saw Ghettopoly in a retail store/websites recently, please notify us immediately, by calling 1-866-444-3886 or contact us immediately. We would like to verify certain info with that particular store."
The Ghettopoly/Urban Outfitters incident is Number 3 in Business 2.0's "The 101 Dumbest Moments in Business," January/February 2004 issue http://www.business2.com/b2/web/dumbest/1 (February 2004)
THIS WEDDING SPONSORED BY...Sabrina Anderson and her husband Thomas found a way to get $38,000 worth of wedding for $8,000 - corporate sponsorships. The Andersons lined up two dozen sponsors to donate everything from coffee to crepes to makeovers for the bridesmaids. In return, the sponsors were guaranteed 250 invitees, six mentions (including in the groom's speech after the toast), listings in the invitations and thank-you notes, and placards acknowledging the sponsor for each item provided. "I'm not sure how much business I'll get from the guests," says Cal Shaw of Roses are Red, "but the media attention after the wedding is where it really counts."
Forbes, October 4, 1999 (April 2002)
PHYLBERT'S SILLY SIGNAGEReal signs lovingly collected by "Phylbert"...
Customers who consider our waitresses uncivil ought to see the manager
38 Years on the Same Spot! (sign at a drycleaners)
Ask about our plans for owning your home (sign at a loan company)
Our motto is give our customers the LOWEST POSSIBLE prices and workmanship
Now Available in Multi-Packs! (on a display of "I love you only" Valentines)
Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks
If you can't read this, it's time to wash your car
Phylbert's Silly Signage Originally found at http://www.geocities.com/CollegePark/Field/2691/signage.html (April 2002)
BABY BELL THROWS TANTRUM OVER URLAn excerpt from a May 5, 2000 letter to Mr. Emmanuel Goldstein of 2600, The Hacker Quarterly, from Sarah B. Deutch, VP and Chief Intellectual Property Counsel of Bell Atlantic Network Services.
I represent Bell Atlantic Corporation (hereinafter "Bell Atlantic") and its subsidiaries, which own the rights to use the BELL and BELL ATLANTIC trademarks. Bell Atlantic owns the "VERIZON" trade mark and service mark. It has recently come to my attention that you have registered the domain name VERIZONREALLYSUCKS.COM incorporating the "VERIZON" mark referenced above. This letter is to inform you that your registration and/or use of these domain names infringes Bell Atlantic's valuable trademark rights in the "Verizon" mark and violates the new Anticybersquatting Consumer Protection Act (the "Anticybersquatting Act").
Accordingly, unless you immediately agree to take the steps set forth below, including ceasing any use of the "Verizon" and "Bell Atlantic" marks and transferring the domain name VERIZONREALLYSUCKS.COM to Bell Atlantic, Bell Atlantic intends to proceed under the federal Trademark Act, including the Anticybersquatting Act, by filing suit to protect its rights in federal court....
2600 responds, "Just for the fun of it, we've gone and registered VerizonShouldSpendMoreTimeFixingItsNetworkAndLessMoneyOnLawyers.com We look forward to seeing their legal threat for THAT one."
2600, "Verizon Attacks Critical Domain Names," 5/8/00 (April 2002)
BURMA SHAVE SLOGANS OF THE 50shttp://fiftiesweb.com/burma.htm
(April 2003)
THOSE VEGAS SLOGANS"What Happens Here, Stays Here," a new slogan promoted by the Las Vegas Convention and Visitors Authority, has some business executives squirming. "When I leave my home, what does that say to my wife? What does it say to anyone else's spouse?" asks Bruce Harris, president of Conferon Global Services, a meeting-consulting firm. Jan Jones, an executive at Harrah's Entertainment, says the tourism campaign is "killing us in other jurisdictions. It's really hurting our recruiting, and we have regulators from Mississippi and Missouri who say they don't like it." The convention authority replies that 2003 convention attendance is up 12.9% over the prior year, so they must be doing something right. The authority intends to spend $58 million on the 20-month ad campaign. The folks at LVCVA do have a limit, however. President and CEO Manny Cortez objects to the Nevada Commission on Tourism's current print campaign, which promotes Las Vegas as "Sin City." "I've lived here for 50 years and have sold this city for 40," says Cortez, "and I can say we've never used that kind of terminology in our ads. You don't use that phrase."
"Tourism Board Members Object to 'Sin City' Reference," Las Vegas Review-Journal, 12/16/03 http://www.reviewjournal.com/lvrj_home/2003/Dec-16-Tue-2003/news/22808231.html
"'What Happens Here, Stays Here' Strikes Sour Note for Some at Conference," Las Vegas Review-Journal, 12/18/03 http://www.reviewjournal.com/lvrj_home/2003/Dec-18-Thu-2003/news/22822287.html (February 2004)
THE ORPHANAGE OF CAST-OFF MASCOTShttp://www.lileks.com/institute/orphanage/index.html Stop by to see large numbers of mercifully retired corporate emblems, sponsored by the Institute of Official Cheer. Who could forget:
Cudahy Curly, a pig with unnatural zeal for consuming his own kind
Mr. Coffee Nerves, the evil demon of caffeine calamity
The Mentholatum twins, Comfy ("We soothe inflamed membranes") and Minty ("...ease breathing!")
Elsewhere on the site, disturbing food ads from the past...
Oscar Mayer's Great New "Sack o' Sauce in a Can o' Meat"
"My, your father's getting frisky since he started drinking HEMO"
Sam's Beet'n'Bacon Sandwich. Drain pickled beets (with or without onions) and chop fine. Spread on slices of enriched bread that have been spread with butter or margarine. Top with crispy fried Swift's Premium Bacon slices. (April 2002)
MEMORABLE BUSINESS NAMESSome businesses hire expensive consultants to pick just the right name. Others...
A Pane in the Glass Ben's Meat-O-Mat Bunghole Package Store Drain Surgeons Fireball Oven Co Green Pee Grocery Store Head Munchees Candy Corp Heaven Scent Me Kiss Kiss Kill Kill Boutique New Jersey Pulverizing Co Royal Flush Cesspool Sewer & Drain Cleaning Soylent Green Landscape Specialists The Suffering Duck Restaurant Squid Roe Restaurant
Collected from the New York tri-state area by The Funny Name Server (April 2002)
2002's DUMBEST MOMENTS IN BUSINESSThe competition was fierce as Business 2.0 announced the 101 dumbest business moments from 2002.
(April 2003)
MARKETERS DEPLOY FAKE SITES AND SPOOFSA little money and a spoof go a long way on the web. If you like to issue commands while looking at someone through a webcam, Burger King will cater to your needs at subservientchicken.com. The chicken-porn site has received more than 150 million hits to date. Or take the movie industry, always fond of cost-effective stunts. For $10,000, Lions Gate created an elaborate web home for the Godsend Institute, a cloning lab that will restore your loved ones to you from a cell. It's part of the marketing push for the movie Godsend, and a mite cheaper than a $22,000 quarter-page ad in the Los Angeles Times. To get even more publicity from its investment, Lions Gate has launched a "protest" against its own creation at Petition Spot. "Stop the insanity!" say Jordan, signer number one. "We can't let these fame-hungry doctors mess with God's great plan. It's an outrage!"
(May 2004)
DIAMOND GIVEAWAY ENDS IN TEARSJohan de Boer, a Dutch jeweler, was distressed when only 35 people responded to his recent Christmas mailing. He had sent out 4,000 letters, 200 of which contained actual diamonds (the others contained zircons). The letters invited recipients to visit the store and find out if they received the real thing. When most stayed home, de Boer called to ask why. He found out that many of the letters had been tossed as junk mail, unopened. The promotion cost de Boer $60,000, or $1,700 per response. (January 2004)
iLOO RETRACTION RETRACTEDThe Microsoft iLoo, a porta-potty with Internet access, was no hoax. A butt of skeptical attention when it was announced by Microsoft UK on April 30, 2003, the iLoo was disowned as an April Fool's joke by Microsoft headquarters. But then two weeks later, Microsoft confirmed the iLoo was a real project after all, but they had decided to ax it. MSN concluded that the surfing toilet "wasn't the best extension of our brand." They blamed the confusion over the iLoo's reality on bad information from an employee in the UK. Says a rueful Lisa Gurry, MSN group product manager, "It's definitely not how we like to do PR at Microsoft." (June 2003)
JANET RAISES THE BARPublicists have their own take on the recent costume reveal, Ad Age discovers... (March 2004)
SKYHIGH AIRLINEShttp://www.skyhighairlines.com/ WongDoody, the ad agency for Alaska Airlines, has created a first-class spoof site. SkyHigh Airlines promises "the relentless pursuit of adequacy." Enjoy Challenge Seating, a Global Baggage Tracker ("They're Out There Somewhere"), and a revolutionary new mileage reward program: "We're taking the 'us' out of our 'bonus' and giving you the bone." Should you be stranded at an airport overnight due to an "oopsy-daisy" on SkyHigh's part, you'll be fine as long as you "DONT TOUCH ANYTHING WITH YOUR BARE SKIN. Thousands and thousands and thousands of people pass through an airport on any given day. And chances are, a lot of them have something weird going on medically. Enough said." (December 2003)
SIX-ROOM HATED APARTMENTDo people place ads like these accidentally on purpose?
Vacation Special: have your home exterminated. Get rid of aunts. Zap does the job in 24 hours.
For Rent: 6-room hated apartment.
Employment needed: Man, honest, will take anything.
Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.
"Actual Excerpts from Newspaper Ads, Part 2," America's Joke, 6/22/00 (April 2002)
FALSE ADVERTISING - A GALLERY OF PARODYDozens of elegant little jabs at America's famous brands, logos and slogans. Ship via FedUp or Oops. Drink Naive mineral water. And boot up with Microsoft ("Is it going to work today?") Definite ecard potential - the artwork is half the story. (April 2002)
RECREATION > HUMOR > PARODIES > ADVERTShttp://directory.google.com/Top/Recreation/Humor/Parodies/Adverts/ Advertising parodies are numerous enough to merit their own category in Google. We especially enjoyed The Lampoonery and The New Yorker Inane Ad of the Week.
"TONIGHT I AM FEELING COOL AND HARD BOILED"The foot's on the other hand at engrish.com, a collection of endearingly wobbly English phrases found in Japan...
Batard's Bread: "All of contents are no additional. It's burned to a crisp with all our heart."
Fresh drinking straws: "Let's try homeparty fashionbly and have a joyful chat with nice fellow. Fujinami's straw will produce you young party happily and exceedingly!"
Printed on shopping bag: "Now baby. Tonight I am feeling cool and hard boiled."
Name of Nagasaki coffee shop: "Placebo Labor Handbag"
"DANGER! A dangerous toy. This toy is being made for the extreme priority the good looks. The little part which suffocates when the sharp part which gets hurt is swallowed is contained generously. Only the person who can take responsibility by itself is to play."
Engrish.com cited in "Garfield's Ad Review," Ad Age Global, November 2001 (April 2002)
FOREIGN GROCERIES MUSEUMhttp://www.portigal.com/Museum.htm Browse Steve Portigal's exotic shopping cart... (May 2003)
ALL IN A DAY'S WORKMarketing vignettes collected by Reader's Digest magazine...
WHEN A NEW office building near mine was under construction, workers set up barricades and warning signs to protect the public. One day an arrow-shaped sign appeared with the words: PEDESTRIAN DETOUR. Put up by a local shopkeeper, it pointed straight into his ice-cream parlor. Contributed by Georganne F. Perkins
DURING a magazine and newspaper subscription drive, our son Philip, a paperboy, learned about good salesmanship. His supervisor had instructed the kids to maintain a positive attitude, even when turned down. One potential customer told Philip, "I've got papers and magazines strewn all over the place - I don't need any more." Philip's reply? "Well, how about a subscription to Good Housekeeping?" Contributed by Philip O. Simonson
A BOY, who was about ten years old, went shopping in a Manhattan supermarket with his advertising-executive mother. Boy: "But I like that cereal. Why won't you buy it anymore?" Mother: "Because we lost the account, that's why!" Eleanor Sullivan, quoted by Ron Alexander in The New York Times, contributed by Mr. Alexander
The Laugh Bank, Marketing/Advertising, Reader's Digest http://www.rd.com/common/nav/index.jhtml?channelId=6&subChannelId= (April 2002)
ASPEN DAILY NEWS MOTTO"If you don't want it printed, don't let it happen." http://www.aspendailynews.com/ (April 2002)
AT LAST, AOL CDs PUT TO WORK"AOL France, which is that nation's No. 2 Internet service provider, tends to practice marketing tactics similar to its American parent, such as distributing free CDs to lure new subscribers. Although the disks are not dished out as aggressively as they are in the States, they are highly coveted by Parisian cabbies, who assert that the disks are significantly effective at foiling the performance of French police speeding-detection systems. The drivers tend to hang the disks from their rear-view mirrors, which blocks their faces from photo detection devices used by the police."
"Technology: Overheard in the Street," Barron's, 3/18/02, page T2. (May 2002)
DEAR DEADBEAThttp://modernhumorist.com/mh/0204/deadbeat/ From Modern Humorist, the subtle art of the subscription collection notice. An excerpt:
"...This is the third letter you have received, still with no response. Why do you humiliate us so? And how can you bear to bring crushing shame upon yourself month after month by reading our critically acclaimed and internationally feted magazine with not a thought in the world for paying for the edification and enjoyment you have received? Is this the example you wish to set for your children, should you ever see them again? Do you want them to reach adulthood with the atrophied sense of moral responsibility and comprehensive knowledge of illegal cable descrambling devices that now appears to be their birthright?..." (May 2002)
ADBUMBAdbumb provided good, savage critiques of the advertising industry from one of its own. This excerpt from the 5/2/02 issue brings back memories... ADRANTSSteve Hall's blog steams into its fourth year with a mix of straight marketing news, parody links and strange-but-true bulletins from adland. "Reporting on the brilliance and idiocy of the media and advertising industry, Adrants offers subversive comment on the questionable, the absurd, the new and the noteworthy." (May 2004)
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